When farts, wrestling, big emotions, and the occasional game of hide and go seek started dominating our boys’ bedtime routine, we didn’t really know what to do.
Initially, we started reading as a family. We figured it would help the boys slowly transition to a state of calm. We’d choose a book that had a movie, read nightly, and celebrate finishing with dinner, popcorn, costumes, and a watch party. The boys would always declare the movie “totally not as good as the book.”
When that didn’t quite work, we tried getting them to jump their energy out on the trampoline. That often devolved into death wrestling, which we have accepted as normal.
THEN we would read.
Complete exhaustion then a calming activity…..
It didn’t matter. The transition to the bedroom was always a disaster.
Even if they were exhausted from death wrestling.
Even if they were calmed down by serene book reading.
Even if we sent them up separately or rotated them through different tasks.
Eventually, we accepted that they couldn’t manage that transition by themselves. My wife and I took turns escorting them upstairs, refereeing them through the process, and trying to escape without dropping the deep dad voice.
The deep dad voice got them quiet.
But it left me riled up and weighed down with a sense of shame that felt brutal.
I couldn’t settle myself. And I definitely didn’t feel like doing my gratitude list.
Why I Started a Nightly Gratitude List
At the time, I’d started keeping a gratitude list in my Notes app.
It was helping me turn down my anxiety, recognize parts of my day I’d overlooked, and possibly help me drift off to sleep a little bit easier than normal.
When my wife took the boys upstairs, I could finish it easily. I could reflect on the day, recognize the good, and settle down.
When it was my turn to referee the nighttime routine,
anxiety and anger could lock arms and dominate my body and mind. I’d struggle to sleep, then wake up groggy and grumpy the next morning.
Gratitude was helping me. But after a bedtime battle, it didn’t feel within reach.
I often try to find ways to include the boys when I’m working on something myself.
Gratitude became one of those things.
Practicing Gratitude With My Boys
I decided that every night, before bed, we’d go around and name one thing we were thankful for. I’d snuggle with a different boy each night, listening as they took turns.
At first, it was small stuff:
“Pizza for dinner.”
“Extra screen time.”
“Dad didn’t burn the burgers this time.”
Sometimes they were still mad at each other. Sometimes mad at me. But we did it anyway, even through gritted teeth.
Then it shifted.
“Playing catch after practice.”
“Grandma calling to say hi.”
“The way Hunter made me laugh today.”
Eventually, the gratitude turned into prayer.
I shared that story in Gratitude > Gas (Especially After Mexican Food), and in the companion Garage Talk podcast.
What I didn’t explain was how much practicing with them helped me continue practicing myself.
It was a jump start.
When I left their room, I could open my Notes app and finish my own list.
What I’m Learning About Gratitude
Since then, gratitude has grown into my nightly reflections, my one-minute pauses, and the way I express appreciation to others. It’s also helping me when uncertainty circles like sharks in the water and my mind starts imagining everything that could go wrong.
I’m learning that I don’t have to wait until I feel grateful to begin. Some nights, we started while we were still frustrated with each other. There was still something worth recognizing.
Including the boys helped me follow through on something I was struggling to do alone.
And I’m beginning to understand why I keep returning to it:
Gratitude protects my perspective.
I can love my wife and four boys, recognize how blessed I am, and still get completely consumed by what went wrong in the last fifteen minutes.
Gratitude helps me remember more of my life than whatever is frustrating me right now. When I practice gratitude…
worry and frustration don’t take up quite as much room.
That makes me want to keep practicing…
and understand it more deeply.
The Reset: One Thing You’re Grateful For
For now, the question we started with still feels like the right place for me to return to:
What’s one thing I am grateful for today?
Since I consider tacos the perfect food, I always have a place to start.
Even if I’m less grateful for what happens afterward.
I am so grateful for the people I just spent twenty minutes trying to get into bed without inspiring emotional breakdown.
Theirs.
Or mine.
Keep Exploring Gratitude
Over the next few articles, I’ll share what I’m learning through reading, reflection, and trying these practices in my own life.
Gratitude Protects My Perspective — Why I keep practicing when life is going well. [Future article link]
A Minute to Notice What I’m Missing — Bringing gratitude into a pause, while life is happening. [Future article link]
I Want Your Appreciation. Please Don’t Give It to Me. — Wanting recognition, resenting its absence, and then awkwardly dismissing it when it arrives. [Future article link]
Practicing Gratitude During Uncertainty — Leaning on gratitude when I’m worried and can’t control what happens next. [Final title and article link to come]
Jeremy, this is awesome! With this ritual, you are not only helping the boys settle down and prepare for sleep, you are building connection with and between the boys AND setting them all up with a potentially life long beneficial practice.
Brother, I love this practice and have been doing it since late January thanks to you. Such a mindset shift. I do mine each morning for the previous day. Love this new rhythm in my life.